Monday, May 13, 2013

ORKS VS GUARD, Hangover edition!

Welcome to the playoffs ladies and gentlemen!  Its that time of year.  Both Christian and I decided that growing playoff beards are simply to manly for us.  So we skipped that part.  It was honestly one of the most technical and challenging and tactical games I have ever played.  Dam u Christian you made me think!

  So our story begins with a very confident Christian arriving at my place.....
Christian sure of his impending Guard victory!


Balls to the face ROB!

  We played a game with night fighting first turn, with our fast attack units counting as scoring units.  Which is awesome if you have 3 DeffKopta's and your opponent has nothing of the sort.  So I roll and get to go first.  Which is good or so I thought.  I move up my Deff Kopta's for immediate doom and destruction.  They take aim and shoot, 1 hull point removed from a Chimera!  Then the Chimera shoots back.........DeffKopta's run away.  F'n tarts in flying junk! They ended up flying right off the table, not even pausing to look back.

Actual pics of the real game!

Now im pissed at losing my DeffKoptas, So I send the beer truck screaming up, except after an entire guard army shoots at the beer truck it blows it up!  WTF no one blows up the beer truck turn one!  I knew I was in for a heck of fight then and there.

Beer Truck blows up and Nobs and Ghazzy pile out.

 So then I get shot in the face by a bunch of dudes (please finish the rest of this sentence) by something called Laz Cannons.  I have no idea wtf Laz cannons are so I googled it, "Laz may refer to the Laz people, who live by the Black Sea, or to their language."  I can tell you now, dont get shot by these people.  

  So this results in one mega nob dead.

  Now, im not sure what turn exactly it is by now.  Nor do I care, if you read  enough of the shit I post on this blog you already know my BR's are not exactly historically accurate.  

So like a bad porno......or a good one, this story is a mess.  But right about now Ghazzskull reaches the Guard's white picket fence and starts trashing Chimera's, and guardsmen.  I felt like the wolf in the Little pig story at the straw house.  I ask Christian, so I assault through this defense line of yours?  Yes he says.  All I have to do is get to it and im in?  Yes he says.  So I start huffing and puffing!

Ghazzy gets to the safe house of the guard.

My dakka Jet comes on this turn, OH WOW, I figured it out, its turn 2!  Now I remember this big squad of dudes in army trench coats, (they looked like those dejected crazy kids in high school you never ever bugged because you knew they show up one day and shoot you. So if you were nice to them, maybe they would just shoot in the ass).

My Orks are going no where near this shit!

 So this trench coat mafia was barking out orders, and yelling and ass slapping all the guardsmen around them to get them to do lots of stuff.  So naturally I send in the Dakka Jet to tune up this "Command Squad".  The Dakka Jet nukes the Command squad, and I collapse the left side of the mighty Guard flank.

Remember all those guardsmen from turn 1?  Where did they go?

Now the game is some where around turn 4 to 5.  And despite the one sided shit kicking im making this game out to be (it wasnt) if the game ended right now, Christian would win.  So I role the dice, 6!  Game goes on.  Giving a huge sigh of relief we play on!  Orks love turn 5 apparently because here alot tends to go right for me.  

  In my miscalculations on how well I can shoot, and manage to blow like a squad or two of guard off the table creating this massive gap between me and the rest of the trench coat mafia as seen above. Well this really sucks because my orks get shot to hell.   So i keep shooting those guardsmen and I really need two squads to break moral and run, well lone and behold Christian blows his two moral checks and they both run off the table leaving a bare objective!


So now this one dude (I think he was a seargent) comes screaming up to an objective in his Chimera.  So naturally my Orks swarm this thing and start rocking it like a bad episode of COPS.  I blow up the Chimera and despite blocking all the known exits this guy does something called an "Emergency disembarkation" which apparently in 40k terms means you surrounded fucking Harry Houdini because some how this guy squirts out of the cannon of the Chimera and runs away!  Huh?

Let me tell you those guardsmen pop out of no where!

Orks open the trunk of the Chimera.

Now way on the other side of the table I have these things called Lootas.  They are kinda like that weird guy at every work place that is utterly useless, and despite this fact they manage to consistently  to keep themselves employed at your workplace.  Lootas are that guy.

So by now the game is pretty much over.  There are few guardsmen hiding in ruins and such.  Remember that dude who ran away from the Chimera?  Well I found him........

Great game!  Seriously was super close, the game started at 8pm ended at 1am!  Yeah Guard vs Orks not for the faint of heart!  Thanks for an awesome game buddy!


  1. Yet again another fantastic game recap. Those Gif's really make them superb! Gratz on the win! and looking forward to reading the next bat-rep!

  2. Rob vs Greg in the Semi finals!

  3. Rob vs Greg epicness will ensue!

  4. Where do you get all those epic gifs? I would love to find some good ones for "Misfits of 40K"

  5. I kinda know what I'm looking for before I post it, some I make others are from like gifsoup